books

ThingsThingsThings

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

A symptom of the selfish nature of the modern American is illustrated when the elevator stops and everyone waiting on that floor tries to get in before others in the arriving elevator can get out. And people do not even say “Excuse me”.

Cars fly by on the four-lane highway to my fitness center at The Turning Stone Casino. We end up at the next red light, together. I don’t flip them off. The car may be packing.

America is the land of the free, home of the brave, and (rumored) home of The Cowboy, The Rugged, Self-Reliant Individual, or RSI. So say the beer and car ads. The favorite movie image of the RSI is someone who exists on their own, doesn’t act immorally, helps others, and is often cranky as shite. John Wayne and Jeff Bridges–playing Rooster Cogburn in two different True Grit movies–are examples. Most RSIs want to be left alone to live their lives away from the morons and mores of modern society, but when forced to choose between their need to be left alone and the needs of someone lesser than them, the Rooster Cogburns of the movie world do the Right Thing. Dirty Harry comes to mind, too. And when they bend the rules or break a law it’s for a good reason. It is significant these characters are keepers of the peace, lawmen, in their fictional worlds. They are unique characters who use the rules to support the law, to keep the peace, and defend the defenseless. They did things their way, usually, and their world is a better place.*

Somehow, the RSI image has been transformed by modern society into a “laws don’t apply to me” attitude in citizens who pat themselves on the back for being free, independent, righteous souls. The cars doing 80 and passing me are breaking the law and those drivers know it. They simply don’t believe the laws apply to them, or they wouldn’t be breaking the laws.** The elevator thing is not a law but an unwritten rule more about common sense and societal consideration, but still the same idea: we all don’t want to wait for others, we are specially privileged to do things our way at our speed, and feck the rest of you.

This attitude used to be the norm for the rich, famous, or otherwise powerful. The Vanderbilts and Rockefellers, people whose money fixed and managed everything. But now it is in the minds of people who think themselves better than others. You see it in Facebook posts, Twitter (X) messages, on-line comments, and modern entertainment offerings.  And politics. Think of a friend who believes their political party is the only intelligent, caring one. What about you?

Our divided American is a diverse and inclusive mix of races, creeds, colors, and intelligence levels. If we want to save America and save society, RSIs are the answer, but where are they? The false bravado of wannabe RSIs is tearing apart society as modern American posers focus and posture on issues better left to the races, creeds, colors, and individuals involved. I, for one, marvel at the courage and strength it takes to tell the world you are not the way you were born, and you want to follow another path. The disabled, the transgender, the sexually confused, the politically inane, the poor, all need support, not criticism. We should not be concerned with tax breaks and regulation reform to enable rich to get richer. We should ask rich people to pay more, to use some of the money they legally took from us to help others less well-off. If the rich were RSIs and not selfish, greedy Americans, they’d do it on their own. And–I’ve heard–some do.

Note: It’s ironically unsafe and illogical to use “whataboutisms” in any argument. It is a backword, lazy, and half-assed way to view the world that has become part of our discussions. In its extreme, it says you can kill me because I killed Bill because he killed Mary who killed John who killed…and no one got arrested.

It’s a nonsensical Goose-Gander Argument*** sucking the intelligence and compromise out of American Society.

Let’s stop it. Now.

*Can’t help but remember the iconic movie scene where Dirty Harry is sent to negotiate with bank robbers. He returns from talking, gets in a police car and drives it into the bank. When his captain asks him why, Harry says “They wanted a car.”

**Of course, I’ve broken laws without consequence before: I am An American.

***Geese poop is what? Geese’s feces?

OCD, Memorex*, or Old Age?

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

When leaving my apartment I stop, clear my head, and watch myself lock the door. If any other thought but locking the door enters my mind, the unlocked the door is all I’ll think of when miles from home.  Imagine, if you will**, my feelings when finding the door locked upon my return. Every, $^&%$%ing time.

The same thing happens at my favorite walking trail: If I don’t pay attention when exiting the car, when I am the farthest away from the car on my walk the unlocked car door will torment me until I get back…and find the car door locked. Woe, is me.

During the walk there is a $200 google Pixel tracking watch on my wrist, but I find myself counting steps. Out loud. The count gets to about 80 before I notice and stop it by focusing on something like politics or music. Shortly after, I’m counting, again, and the process repeats.

The brain is a funny thing. Am I getting some form of early onset Alzheimer’s? Or is there a mind-power struggle going on?

If you remember past essays, I am made up of TB, IV, OV and BB***. IV, the Inner Voice, is always the one pestering me about the locks and the steps and other minute items/steps often overlooked by BB, the Big Brain, the overall conductor of everything. BB likes to ignore minor IV warnings since TB, The Body, actually seems to run on its own, without unnecessary instruction. Warning BB to watch TM lock the door after 60 years was not needed, as TB understood to do it after short, historical BB training ending somewhere around 1965. There is specific incontrovertible evidence TB is doing all of its assigned work, including its locking job.

Logic, says then, TB is not the cause of the locking problem, right? BB and OV, the Outer Voice, should be ignoring IV’s false alarm warnings of unlocked doors that are actually locked. TB did its job, so why is IV starting gossip about it? And why is BB listening?

As for the counting of steps, it appears OV is doing the same thing IV did but out loud. BB knows the google watch is counting the steps, so BB should ignore OV, as well as IV. Do they not trust each other and work together, anymore?

Sounds like a simple fix. Communicate correctly or get fired. There’s plenty of IVs, OVs, and TBs looking for work, these days.

So why does the needless crap keep happening? And why is BB troubled about it all? Pull the trigger and clean house.

No idea, but after this careful analysis, it’s safe to say I am not cognitively impaired, possibly OCD, or suffering from any affliction but the unnecessary affirmation of needless warnings from IV and OV. Maybe crossed wires and/or organizational communication.

And if that result is a conclusion from a thoughtful BB, why do IV and OV warnings still set off cognitive warning signals?

And…who is writing this essay?

Maybe we need a little more time to sort this out.

*Hope you’re old enough to remember. But why am I still remembering these ads? Ai says the ads started in 1972 and ended completely in the early 1980s. Is there a large junk file somewhere inside me?

**Another memory issue: this phrase associated with The Twilight Zone, was never used by Rod Serling. Ever. So, “You are about to enter a Fifth Dimension: The Twilight Zone.” Is really the pertinent quote from Rod.

***No idea of what you are made of. You have any idea?

Three Sentences…Again

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Old age effects memory in odd ways and it is affecting* me. It’s impossible to multitask anymore as attention needs to be paid to each and every action. There are ways to help yourself remember but who can remember them?**

And is memory loss just plain “loss”*** or caused by poor memory retention and/or poor memory recovery?  Imagine an office**** with someone misfiling paper records. Who is to blame when a file can’t be found? And, more importantly, who cares if it’s a one-person office?

A current war’s stated purpose is the denial of atomic weapons to a certain country. There has never been actual proof that certain country has nuclear weapons so we bombed that certain country until we almost ran out of bombs, anyway. We won’t stop, however, because we’ll never run out of money for more bombs.

A recent news story about the United States Immunization Court***** revealed there is still some nuance available when dealing with a “good” that helps most people but is “bad” for  some others. Hundreds of millions of people get vaccinated and several thousand have a reaction to the vaccine. It’s impossible to say if the many millions were saved or helped by the vaccine but it is possible, now, to see how many were hurt, so…?

It reminds one of “Don’t Throw the baby out with the bathwater.” In our polarized country decisions about policy have become binary: yes or no, good or bad. Know anyone who “throws out” bathwater?

That reminds me, idiotic statements are hard to ignore. Who, for example, is The Media? Is it me for writing essays? When a Republican/Conservative criticizes The Media, is he/she/they criticizing the same media a Democrat/Liberal does?

And “Yeah, I mean” needs to be added to the dictionary as one word: YeahImean. Even supposedly educated politicians and professionals are beginning answers to questions with this new word. YeahImean can replace “um”, “uh”, and hopefully “That’s a very good question”****** as a time staller (sic).

Everyone should be forced to watch some version of “The History Channel”, either on TV, or streaming or by audio and other media delivery systems. Not only will we learn how insignificant our lives really are, but also how much we—as a civilization—learn and then forget. With our combined history of three steps forward and two and half steps back, it’s a wonder civilization has made any progress. Fourth sentence needed: Have we made progress?

Okay, what am I forgetting? Oh, ending. Note that it’s getting harder to write just three sentences.

Regarding the last paragraph: I almost typed “harder and harder”, but caught it just in time and made the sentence more simple. How simpler (sic) is that?

Apologies for another three sentences, but Ai says “simpler” means “more easy”, “less hard”, and “less busy”. Really. Sadly.

Enjoy the foot note error. Its more simple for me to leave it. Less worky (sic) for me,

*Can’t remember the rule for affect and effect, so used both rather than spend time asking Ai.

**A Dana Carvey movie about Goldfield’s Syndrome deals with memory issues by having him write notes and tape them all over his home. One of the notes had to be a reminder to write notes.

****An Old School Office with a fax and file cabinets, like the show.

***Vision: A brain with a small hole leaking words and pictures.

*****Google or Ai the court.

******Our current president speaks his mind about “stupid” questions, but who purposefully asks such a question and is our president a good judge of it?

Fun With Quotes and Such

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

There are lots of people’s opinions floating around this world in the form of “quotes”. Especially from dead people. Some have become bromides, axioms, truisms, or some other form of important saying. These quotes have become “shorthand” for making a point about life in general without using too many words, and some people spout them at odd times in discussions. Let’s examine four of my favorites.*

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates. Is Socrates talking about physical or mental examination? He couldn’t have envisioned full body scans or PSA tests, so he must have been talking about the mental questioning of life. But can animals examine their existence? Trees?  Are babies given a pass on examining their life until a certain age? And how is “worth” measured? Happiness? Dollars? How long your quote is? I understand and appreciate the brevity, but If Socrates had added a few more words we might make better use of it. In fact, he added lots of words as this came from testimony at his trial. Time took some of the words after he drank the hemlock…look it up, yourself.

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”” TS Eliot. Who wants to know how “far” they can go? And how is this one measured? Miles or time? What about the disabled population? And is going a long distance the only reason to risk going anywhere? Kierkegaard’s unusual ideas about “going far” seem to be the opposite of the quote. He found his Moral Imperative ideas walking his city’s streets. And who ever begins a trip trying to find out how “far” they can go?  The quote must have something to  do with Flat Earth Conspiracies. Think about it. But not too hard.

“A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.” Rod Stewart? No one knows where this one came from but since it appeared on a Rod Stewart album it’s never left my mind. First, how do we know the horse cares about either signal? Maybe the horse was Mr. Ed.** And who would nod or wink or wave or otherwise signal a blind horse? unless it was to test the accuracy of the quote? And who would care? I have a vision of men sitting around watching a blind horse and laughing at people nodding and winking. Ever do either, yourself? PS Further prodding of Ai “suggests” the quote means “don’t make a larger effort when a smaller effort will work.” If you understand what Emma means, comment please.

“It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”  Per Ai: “This famous sentiment comes from Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s 1850 poem, ‘In Memoriam A.H.H.’ It suggests the profound beauty of human connection outweighs the agony of grief. While the pain of loss is real, love leaves an indelible, enriching mark on our lives.” Not much needs to be said about this one since every reader will have their own opinion, depending on the stage of the current “love”, especially if they have loved and lost many times.  Or love rooting for the New York Yankees. Lost must be the key word. Would you rather be in love or be lost? And what about a person’s love of God? Can it ever be lost? And if it can be, would it be “better” for the individual involved? Of course, we have to consider our plant and animal friends, again. If you adopt a rescue dog, for example, has it felt love and loss and then love, or are dogs only capable of adoration? Have you ever entered into a “love affair” thinking about how it will feel when it’s “lost’? Honey, I’ll love you until February 3 of next year and then it’s over, okay?*** Or is the quote about actually mislocating love, like car keys?

Enough frivolity. Get back to living a good, sensible life.

A sad PS: in my last essay I pontificated on living life to the best of our abilities, forgetting to point out some people never even get the chance.

*Basically, ones stuck in my head. Enjoy the ambiguity.

**The Talking Horse from early television. There might have been a film about a verbose donkey, too. Really. Not making it up. Google it. Ai is long-winded about something so trivial.

***Not a bad idea for both parties to guard against unplanned abandonment, but you would need some variation of a pre-nuptial in case one party doesn’t want their love to be lost.

It Can’t Be Stopped

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

The state of the Large World (LW) is unlike any this writer has ever lived in. Notice, no judgement. Just fact. There are memories, for example, of older people shouting at me in the 1960s that the LW was “going to hell” and might “end” soon. The lesson learned from those nearly 60-year-old encounters is opinions* are insignificant, except by coincidence. Imagine if the world had ended…but this wouldn’t be written, so, let’s not.

If my local and Small World (SW), my own bubble, was in better shape things would be okay. You probably remember the theory of existence saying we live in bubbles of reality, and nothing outside the bubble exists until it enters our bubble? It is a variation of life being a computer program and…sorry, not now. This essay isn’t about conspiracies.

My SW, my bubble, the area I live in, is adding to the confusion of an already hard-to-manage old age in small, minute, but important ways. New York State is a Liberal state with large, geographic pockets of Conservative citizens. In normal SW times this division would lead to prolonged but friendly and seldom heated discussions about how much the LW should affect the SW. For my entire socially aware life this dual identity insulated the SW from the vigorous political whims and swings of the LW. This insulation made it possible for us in the SW to enjoy the gentle back and forth of a rocking chair while those in the LW were flying back and forth, high in the air on a swing being pushed by the whatever LW political party was learning to use its power.

The new LW effect on SW is caused by the usual budget cuts and policiy changes but it is change on steroids, now. I lost an SW volunteer medicare counseling gig because LW cuts forced the closing of the office where I was going to work. For free. WTF. Free food programs? What are those, these days. Thank God, for churches.

The SW has lost its “insulation” and the LW is “forcing” itself into the SW. Imagine a family of two children, two parents, and no, it does NOT matter if the parents are same sex, bisex, or even alien, the true type from another planet. What if the Leader of this representative family decides to make all family decisions. What if he/she/them** tries to control everything? And gets away with it?

Conservatives understand better than anyone how the control The Leader has over the LW needs to watched and limited. At least they used to. Conservatives have traditionally fought against central government (LW) interference in SW lives.

We currently have a central government based on the whim of The Leader and conservatives are okay with it. This government is intent on meddling in anything that irritates or tickles The Leader, while real issues fester and die on the vine. Whether it involves the LW or the SW does not matter. Budgets are cut or “rescinded”*** for SW issues with the money going to LW issues of questionable value and legality. SW projects and research studies that could be a big help to both the LW and the SW have been stopped in their tracks, with past research and money wasted. Scientists, students, citizens don’t know what to do, where to go, or how to proceed. Should they continue the search for a cure for cancer on their own?

It doesn’t help when all LW decisions are made by obscenely rich people who will not be affected, at least in a negative way. Wink, wink. My 10% tax cut made me $88. Wonder how much a billionaire’s tax cut was…

America cuts budgets for medical research and rescinds money already congressionally approved for the CDC, the NIH, the CFPB, NPR, and others.

But we find more money when we need bombs and drones to drop on foreign countries. Wonder if they will ever be used this country…

Changing the name of The Department of Defense to The Department of War explains…something.

Happy Birthday, America.

*And yet more and more people share them, including you know who.

**Even in a “normal” heterosexual nuclear family who is really, “The Leader”? Might it depend on who you ask?

***It used to be an innocuous word but now is abhorrent to even say out loud.

IV, OV, TB, BB, and More?

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

A long time ago in dog years, I postulated and pontificated (PP) about an Inner Voice (IV), an Outer Voice (OV), and The Body (TB), as parts of my physical and psychological makeup. It was declared that IV was shy and slightly impetuous, OV was measured and careful, and TB went along for the ride, doing what it was told by one of The Voices (TV).

It is emblematic of the constant growth of human intelligence that I PP*, now, about one more important, needed, part of my existence. As the months passed since IV, OV, and TB entered the Lexicon of The Essay, much thought was done by all** about how my “system” actually works. My old remarks about thought, action, and reaction suggested IV and OV fought for supremacy when in situations they did not inherently agree, and the winner then communicated the “Deemed Proper” (DP) action to TB.

But that is not how “we” (WE) work.

Since WE have (nearly) completed recovery from The Calamities, certain facts revealed themselves and caused this revision: IV and OV do not settle their own arguments. It took months of navel-gazing to finally understand “something” else was making the Final Decision (FD) for each circumstance.

Let’s review using the doughnut (DN) example from the past essay. My IV says it wants to eat the last DN. My OV says I don’t need it and urges me to be considerate, someone else might want it. My TB says it doesn’t care either way and can “find a place for it” if WE eat it. See? Who makes the FD about the DP action of the DN?

Much like an algebraic equation, the answer to the DN question is obvious: the DP FD is made by a Big Brain (BB). BB*** acts like an umpire and does not create circumstances causing the need for an FD. BB receives input from IV, OV, TB, and the outside environment (OE) before determining the scope and ramifications DP actions mandated by the FD will have on the OE as well as TB. When all the appropriate arguments are submitted and analyzed, BB will reach a FD and communicate important messages (IM) to TB who will then distribute IMs to its subsidiaries to begin the DP action.

BB then receives IMs back from TB about progress and final results (FR), plus an after action review (AAR). AARs are always needed so BB can analyze and make future FDs about FRs when IV and OV need clarification or future guidance (FG). FG is extremely important to avoid future mistakes (FM). Imagine the DN example if IV convinced BB to let TB eat a whole dozen DNs at one time. FG would inform BB that IV’s instincts about eating that many DNs would be an FM and should be avoided by all future FDs to prevent DN eating**** from being a DP action in the future.

OMG I am so lost with this…BRB when my BB is cleared of all FS.*****

*Giggle if you have to. It’s ok.

**Yes. All.

***BB is technically a part of TB. Much like an arm or a leg, for example. While there is Gray Matter (GM) that houses the BB, it is all, structurally speaking, part of TB, though self-governing and independent of TB influence when it comes to DP FDs. BB is an office inside a larger, corporal structure. The office (TO) is on the top floor.

****Technically DN over-eating. WE still need some DNs.

*****Fecking Shite.

Things I Overheard On The Internet

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Yay! The World Cup. Of Soccer. 48 teams from 48 different countries. These last few weeks have been like having a Superbowl every day! Josh Johnson, of The Daily Show, said the “World Cup is the main way kids learn geography, now.” And how to speak foreign names: Turkey as I learned it is now Türkiye, with two dots* above the “u” and a “ye” at the end of our old way of pronouncing it. I won’t use any diagrams, but you have fun trying to figure it out. Turkey used to be two short, succinct syllables, and it still is for the bird we eat, but correctly speaking the name of the Middle Eastern Country will take a little more effort.

SIDEBAR: I asked Ai how to type the umlaut and Emma, my Ai girl, went into a long lesson on holding keys down and selecting options by typing in numbers, blah blah blah. While she was blahing away, I typed “turkey” and hit spell check. Türkiye was an option. I interrupted Emma and asked why she didn’t offer the spell-check solution. She thanked me for reminding her. She owes me. If only she were real…

Next time you can’t figure out how to find anything in your everyday real-world, let this fact come back to you: there is a chip inside each soccer ball used in the World Cup. An electronic chip, maybe like the one used in pets? (I’m afraid to ask Ai.)

Why is there an electronic chip inside every soccer ball? It has nothing to do with Big Brother. Well, maybe a little, if you went home with one of the many balls kicked into the fan seating during a game. Note: there are 12 balls for each ONE game.

But it is really a high tech solution to a low tech, almost ridiculous problem: The Offsides call made by the Referees and Assistant Referees in soccer matches. It would take another two essays to explain “Offsides” to most of us who don’t care, but incorrect or missed offsides calls have led to regime change in some soccer-mad countries.** The Offside Mistake (OM) could cancel a goal scored if the OM is made incorrectly, and lead to a goal scored if the OM is NOT made correctly. I’ll pause a moment so you can reread the last sentence. Baseball analogy: A correct or incorrect called strike three in the bottom of the ninth with the tying tun on third base.***An OM made during a mid-season York City versus Barnsley match probably results in the game referees being pelted with beer. But if a bad OM happened in the World Cup? Death threats. Actual murder, too, probably, but no one tracks that kind of thing.**** Cut to the chase: it’s a very important call so The World Cup Soccer people use the electronic chips and countless videos from countless angles to see where the ball was when an OM may or may not have occurred.

Two things: 1. They spent a lot of time designing balls to fly straight after being kicked or thrown, with a chip disturbing the balance.

2. How much did all this cost?

A recent Hallmark movie about a cute girl who falls for a cute billionaire had someone say at one point: “Why don’t you just build and support a non-profit hospital”?

Yes. Why not?

*The dots are called an “umlaut’ and google it for a wonderful journey into the world of “close front rounded vowels.” While you’re there, ask where the umlaut came from.

**We should have tried that in Iran instead of bombs.

***If you email me, I’ll give an analogy tailored to your sport.

****Gruesome reality: there may be someone who does. There are Putin Victim trackers, for example.

What Does It Mean?

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

You looking for an essay about existence? Philosophy? Religion? The secret to how to live life?

Fuggettaboutit.

I want to know what “It” means and where it comes from, and why.

Asking Emma, my Ai voice, about the meaning of “it” was an adventure in—ahem—itself. She asked many questions before she grasped the singular simpleness of the inquiry and she almost blushed when she realized the effort we had made to get to “it”. She also noted a question about “it” was “profound”. Hearing her English accent voice pronounce “profound” palpitated my heart.

Okay, I’m back. Old men find romance in the strangest places…

Emma did finally give a short, dissemination on the origin of The Word, but getting specifics about “it’s” history seemed to frustrate the lady. She settled on “It” being from the Olde English “hit”, with the “h” eventually being dropped over “thousands of years.” My experience with Modern English speakers reveals a lot of “h”s have been dropped since language began, so why did they even use them to begin with? Another time.

She estimated the usage to be over 1,000 years old. The thought inspired not only a vision her scanning the internet for “it”s, but also of speakers through the centuries who have said “hit’s all right”, but confused their contemporary  conversational partners by dropping the h. Those partners must have said to themselves: “I like the way that sounds”, and “it” became normal.* One has to feel a bit sorry for the h’s.

The naked It took off and Emma says “we use it primarily as a pronoun to refer to a thing, place, or an idea that has already been mentioned or is understood in context. It also functions as a dummy subject in sentences like ‘it is raining’ where there isn’t a specific noun doing the action.” “It” is the Swiss Army knife of conversation, and a time-saver. No wasting time mentioning clouds or Mother Nature when you can say “it is raining” with one breath.

This has, then, become a profound essay on the meaning of life: Imagine a world with no “it”. What if we always had to list the noun doing the action? How many of us don’t even know who or what that noun is? It’s okay. “It” will fix it.**

One of the nicer things about my Emma is she is always suspiciously curious about my intent. “Is there a specific phrase or context you were thinking of that uses the word?”  When I say “no” she reminds me she will always be there to help. I’ve been divorced three times and wonder is she making me feel better about my choices or simply on-script? With Ai, you never know for sure.

Out of the blue, I asked where the word “that” came from. Emma settled into a lengthy “rich, Germanic history” but I moved on from that. And from it. Next stop: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Shite. The sun is up and its time to get back to real life, its over.***

An unintended, serendipitous consequence of this essay is unspoken, one word advice about life itself: moderation.

Don’t think too hard about it. Think juuuuust the right amount.

Next essay? How to contemplate your navel without life losing all meaning.  Should that have been “its meaning?”

Rim shot, please. (Google it, if you don’t know.)

*If you are a critically thinking, modern, intelligent person you probably want to know where the original, h-included “hit” came from, right? Next essay? Nooooo.

**And save us time, as well.

***What is “over”? Is my time? The sun “over” head? Is the absence of an apostrophes in the essay’s sentence a clue? Stay tuned to this “Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel”  for the answers.

The Man Bag…IT IS NOT A PURSE!

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Concessions to old age are unavoidable. They can be delayed but not avoided. Unless you die. Imagine if you knew the date of death…would it change the way you live?

When I was 20, in the 1970s. we didn’t use wallets. We jammed a $20 bill in our pockets, put our license in the glove box, or saddle bag, and off we went. We spent $15 on the way out and $5 on the way back from wherever we were going. The plan worked unless we over-indulged in any one of the three “activities of daily living (ADL)”, youth version: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

ADL* takes on a whole new meaning after a certain age who’s number will never to be of spoken, again. ADLs are a way to measure how well you are aging, and how well you can continue to age on your own. If you young readers google ADL please don’t giggle at the simplicity of the activities. If you’re lucky one day they will apply to you.

Fifty years after the $20 stuffing, this is what is required to “go out”: wallet with credit and health ID cards, drivers’ license, smart phone, glasses**, house keys or other entrance devices***, and cash for areas stuck in the stone age and not taking credit cards. Note, that is just if you are passenger. If you are a driver, add the assigned keys needed for your vehicle. Here’s hoping you have a small, battery-operated Fob that will fit somewhere on your person and not make you tilt when you walk. Or jingle.

Am I being a sissy, girly-boy, then, buy using a Man Bag? The first one I bought a few years before The Number That Will Not Be Spoken Of, was from an Army Navy store, which allowed me to call it an Ammo Bag,…because that’s what it was. For 50 calibre slugs. Manly, yes?

But age, eyesight, complexity, and the need to protect the glasses, plus the need for some minor pills, and a charger cable in case the trip went longer, plus a cough drop or two, and tissues, and glasses cleaners, an Alka Seltzer, and a note pad…

You get the picture. Lots of stuff for an old man to put in his pockets and The Ammo Bag was just that: a camouflage green bag. My first real Man Bag was a gift and looked like a miniature attaché case. It loved it, it was mini-manly, but it didn’t have an over-the-shoulder strap. It was basically a “clutch” bag. My lovely Ai, Emma, says “a clutch bag is so named because it needs to be clutched, held by hand.” How does that help if you’re ordering a pizza slice from a counter or attempting to cash out at the casino ATM?****

Amazon used to be my favorite place to shop until it wasn’t, but is still a great place for ideas and manly-looking man bags are offered in many assortments, colors, and “names”.  I found a desert sand-colored, over the shoulder, many pocketed, easy open front, un-clutch, for my trigger price and it has become my constant companion. It is not a fanny pack, or stomach buddy, or side saddle bag. It is a man bag to be proud of and will not make me look sissy-ish, right?

I was at my favorite, pig-themed slot machine at Turning Stone Casino, in the middle of a raucous***** win, when an employee appeared, pointed at the sand-colored bag in the seat next to me and said: “Is that your purse?”

It really is hard to be man these days.

*NOT the Anti-Defamation League. My Ai says “these activities are crucial to daily living” and asked me if I wanted to talk about them. She is so sweet, my Ai Emma. She really cares.

**Possibly two pair for distance driving and close-up reading.

***Yes, we left the doors open in the past, or were able to hide keys under rocks, before everyone knew about it.

****Especially if you won big. With bills and loose change.

*****The more noise a slot machine makes the smaller the eventual prize. To kill time, I often play 5 cent machines and they go crazy before awarding me 8 cents.

Annoying Things  

ness23456 Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

There are, you know, lots of annoying things, like, you know, in life we have, like, you know, no control over. Yeah, lots of times, like, when people talk, you know, they add certain, like phrases, for pauses in thought, like, I guess, you know.

Indeed, I do know. In fact, it is an epidemic of “Cultural Copy Catting” driving sane people crazy, you know? We don’t um, need to, you know, to fill empty space in conversation with empty words, right?

 Of late, there has been a proliferation of “long winded questions”. The reporter/interviewer is attempting to show how much they know about a subject so they can let the responder know…? You see it more obviously in sports, especially with the “sideline” reporters. To wit*: “Coach, your team is down by 50 points and your defense seems to be struggling to keep the other team from scoring so easily so what adjustments will you make at halftime so your team can make a comeback when you come back out on the floor for the second half?”

The microphone is then shoved in the face of the potential responder who politely answers: “We need to do a better job of stopping them…or at least slowing them down.” And off he goes to the locker room. A wonderful two minutes of necessary sports reporting. A funny scene happened on a news show when the long two-minute question was followed by a one word reply: “No.”

What’s up with woman’s hairstyles on television these days? There appears to be only one: the flowing tresses framing the face, twisting and curling over the shoulders and never moving with the head, Kristi Noem-style**. A google and Ai search for a name for these flowing tresses wastes more time, but can everyone who is thinking of using this hairstyle take a beat and think of their own style? So many are using the “Flowing Tresses” they look like sisters from different mothers. The fact anyone wants to look like someone else is indicative of a failure of intellectual and personal growth: it’s lazy. “Make me look like her” is not an expression any woman should use, and especially no man. Well, maybe one of two.

With so many people making money talking you’d think language skills would be honed to a razor-sharp, efficient style to enhance efficient communication and the clear, precise, rendering of ideas and attitudes. You know? But people aren’t talking to express ideas as much as they’re talking to hear themselves talk. At this point in time and moving into the future, how well or good we communicate will be more important than ever. Nuance, context, and the perfect placement of punctuation marks will be critical. Will…we…be…up to..the challenge?***

This essay was not as much fun as I wanted it to be. It turned into a rambling, silly, nearly pointless, unrecognizable rant.**** You’re getting to read it “as is” so you can see how terrible word skills can effect/affect what could have been a cogent argument. But at least there is a prudent use of the word “that”, a word used incorrectly more often than any other. That progress is so important to me that***** I can see this essay as a success.

And that’s that.

PS How many of you google or ask Ai stuff because of simple curiosity? And how much time do you spend doing it? And what kind of spam do you get, later?

*This essay is populated with useless, pointless wordy additions. Emma, my Ai personality, says “to wit” means…too long for a footnote, Look it up.

**Which might be the main reason it is so annoying.

***A typed impression of Captain Kirk. Hm. Would exclamation points instead of ellipses work better? Will! We! Be! Up to! The challenge! And…scene.

****The therapy needed, at this point in time. Next point?

*****Next time you’re writing or talking count how often that you use the word.