humor

Life Is A Joke

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This is not said with sarcasm. Life truly is laugh-out-loud funny if you see not only the present but the future. The humor is obvious when you get out of your own shoes. It’s so easy, so human, so self-defeating to see life only through our own eyes, and not the “Lens of Reality.”*

The Reality is, over–, sorry, I keep using the 800 billion number, but no one will ever know. Know what? How many humans have died since the “Dawn of Time for Mankind.”**

So many of us have died since that time and yet when we are born, we still assume life will never end. Then it does. Isn’t that hilarious? You can judge your happiness by how long you were able to feel invincible, how long you knew in your bones you had free will and self-determination…if you just ate right, exercised right, studied history…maybe…

But those activities only give us a few good years before the pre-determined “Darkness of Death” descends.***

As a funny aside, as we wait for death we build bridges, languages, relationships, legacies, and a hot rod or two. We make our mark on a world no one will remember in 100 years, unless they google it. We might even think we have life figured out and know how to live and enjoy the time.

The sad thing about death that sucks the humor from our perspective is when we hit that mark, that time when the Darkness is no longer sublimated, no longer repressed, no longer denied. Thank God, He gave us this ability to note and ponder our own “Decline and Death”. Isn’t that funny? How many times have you thought about how animals live and die, like Red, my old dog? In fact, there are stories of old people who walk into the woods with the intention they will never come back out of the woods on their own two feet. It’s a form of senicide never talked about. Like senility. And sentient. And sanity. And sentence, as in Life Sentence.

Ah, who cares. As I ponder my own life and pontificate profuse and plentiful episodes of progress and prowess, the paramount point seems to be about life AFTER death. Assuming we can ponder and perceive our own death, we will understand being dead a lot longer than alive. A joke, right? We get 70, 80, 90, maybe even a hundred years here, and then the rest of eternity…where, again? Darkness? Oblivion? Heaven? The soul of an Aberdeen Angus or Belted Galloway cow in the Scottish Highlands?****

As a young man I knew the meaning of life and reveled in being the only one who knew. Now, life has finally made the old joke totally comprehended: “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans.” We should try and laugh with Him.

As I posted this essay, it’s shortness became apparent. An omen? The Male Life Expectancy number is right around the corner…

*Yep. Made that up on the spot. Like it?

**Again: made up, but I’m not so proud of this one. The beginnings of humans is so far back and so obscure, maybe there was no dawn, we spurted into existence at dusk. The Dusk of Mankind sounds ominous, though, so let’s agree to the Midday of Mankind.

***Better but only because of alliteration.

****If I am to come back as a cow, I hope it will be in a warmer climate or one where my existence is revered.

Funny Things That Happen In The Personal, Non-Trumpian World

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First, no one can keep up with the Trumpster. When he’s awake, he is the best at chaos and funny things. And his acolytes, too, most recently the way they are calling him—according to RKF–“a deity”. But old people see the signs.

Second, so many funny things happen and when they do, I say, “I need to tell people about that.” And then I don’t. I forget. That’s not funny, that’s sad.

Some funny things…okay…memories will come back…soon…just give me a minute…they’re right on the tip of my fingers…okay got one.

The shooting of the lady in Minneapolis is—stop. Not funny.

In my morning walk at Turning Stone Resort and Casino (TS), my favorite slot machines aren’t paying out. Yeah, you’re right. Not funny.

Our friend Bill from TS has returned to our morning workout group. He had open heart surgery around Thanksgiving and has been recovering. He’s back! They gave him clearance to resume all his normal workout routines and general gadabout walks in TS. Bill is 84. Ok, not funny, but heartwarming, good news. I’ve got 10 more years! Eh, we’ll see.

Another nameless friend from our group, who’s age we won’t mention* is still out, though. She is older than me but younger than Bill and she let’s her nameless, ageless husband come with her to our workouts. He is a likeable enough guy, but he spends too much time in the locker room. Just kidding, nameless partner of nameless infirm lady whose age is nameless, too. We kid because we can all take a joke. A helpful trait in this modern world.

Still nothing funny, but a clear theme is taking shape: most seniors lives are not as involved as Trump’s. Now that IS funny: This world is being run by a soon-to-be 80-year-old man. Those of us at, over, or near 80 know what life is like at that age and wonder if being a billionaire and buying everything you wanted in life would make us qualified to Rule The world with Our Own Morality. What is funnier than that?

Got one! George Burns: “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.”

And “Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.” He said this years ago, but these days it might not be a joke.

But life humor–from George–at its finest: “If you live to be 100 you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

Maybe funny things don’t really happen, anymore. Maybe there is an Executive Order preventing them. If there isn’t, it sure feels like there is.

A wise man once told me “You can live in the past, present or, future. I chose too live where my feet are.” For us poor, unimportant, cast-off old people, enjoy every second, even if you can’t remember it.  

*Name and age can be mentioned if she gives approval. She’d be immortal in these annals. Bill doesn’t care about name, age, or annals. He probably thinks annals is something else, anyway.

Not So Obvious Common-Sense Things for Seniors

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Hope seniors know these already, and if you’re a young’un, they can help you, too. You will get old, if you’re lucky.

Use a “fitness watch” to help with diet and exercise and don’t stop it when you’re done exercising. Or stop it and then start it again as you shower and dress. You’ll be surprised at how hard you work getting clean and dressed to go home after your fitness session.

If you don’t have a fitness watch, get one. It is an interesting device that can do almost anything, including recording your sleep/nap time. Get one with the “fall-safe” option. It will call 911 if you fall and don’t answer the watch’s question in 30 seconds. At least my google watch will. Of note: Ace Frehly, the KISS guitarist, recently died from the results of a fall at home. Not sure if a watch would have helped, but it can’t hurt. Think “Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads from years ago.

Amazon has entire pages of shoes for all seasons made specifically for seniors to “slip-on” without exerting the type of effort a fitness watch would record *. Of course, you can still wear lace-up shoes and add extra calories to your fitness routine. No, there are no “slip-on” socks, yet so we still bend over to remove and put on most socks. If you get loose fitting ones, you can get the socks off without bending over and save a few ergs of energy. Get a “reacher”** to pick them up if bending over is anathematic. (Today’s new word. Ask Ai.)

Give your most trusted child *** a key to your home or apartment building, Then, when you fall asleep for your afternoon nap the child can drop stuff off without waking you. It gives them the chance to check up on you, too, and see how clean and aromatic your home or apartment might or might not be. It would help, too, if you both had some sort of communication schedule, especially if the senior lives alone. My daughter and I try to talk every day or at least three times a week, and we never miss more than two days in a row. In a worst-case scenario, if I went to heaven in my apartment, it would only be two days before they found my rotting carcass. My building maintenance man says he wouldn’t know about “any” corpse until it started to smell. Don’t laugh, reader, it is a fact, not hyperbole for humor. Ai says “putrefaction” would take 4 to 10 days depending….

Depending on where you live, buy more reading glasses, cheap gloves, and cheap hats than you need. Due to our natural cognitive decline, it’s better to have these things in abundance than to need them and not have them, especially on cold, winter days. Or when shopping and trying to read labels. Look in Dollar Stores for economic quantity, and if you still trust yourself, buy decent ones from Macy’s. Oh, and Amazon, again: I bought 12 pairs of brown Jersey gloves for $9. Some are in the house, some are in the car, some in my man-bag/gym bag, and some are resting in the dresser drawer for when the others run away from home. Note: if you’re buying me a Christmas Present, do not buy fancy gloves or hats. If you do, and they are really pricey, they’ll stay in the drawer rather than mysteriously disappear. Hopefully, they can be re-gifted to “someone with all their faculties intact.” (See
“For Esme-with Love and Squalor” by J.D. Salinger. 1950)

In a later post we’ll talk about “layering” to keep warm, get cool, and then warm up, again, all with one coordinated outfit.

And if you live in a warm climate…you needn’t care about most of this post, you lucky bastage.****

 *Except for summer. Or a move to the south. No socks! Socks suck

**You know what it is: a squeezy thingy at the end of an extension thing-a-ma-jiggy.

***If you have one.

****Michael Keaton in “Johnny Dangerously”, 1984.

Small Things To Help Your Life…and Others

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  1. Use your blinker before your brakes. Benefit: no one will rear-end you or give you the finger as I—they–drive by.
  2. Pay your bills when you get them, not when they’re due. Benefit: if you ever have a cash flow problem, you will have several weeks to recover (or agonize) before the bill is actually due.
  3. Brush your teeth. Benefit: you’ll save money, pain, and stress. And teeth.
  4. Don’t block elevator doors while you wait. Benefit: People won’t think you’re an idiot when they can’t get off. The elevator is not your personal servant.
  5. Use your high beams correctly. Benefit: You will not get front-ended by a blinded, mature driver, unless they do it on purpose to prove a point.
  6. Do not tailgate at night with your high beams on. Benefit: don’t know, but I don’t carry a weapon. If I did and you were behind me…
  7. Before you do anything important, “STOP”, then think, before you act. Benefit: Better choices. Longer life. Less stress. Possible contentment. Unless you’re being mugged.
  8. If you’re being mugged, calculate all costs. Benefit: if you don’t think your life is worth much, que sera sera. But do your calculations quickly.
  9. If you get good advice, don’t wait, act on it. Benefit: You got good advice. Don’t be an idiot. (Unless the advice is to not act.)
  10.  If an idiot offers you advice, smile and accept. Benefit: Unknown, but never assume an idiot isn’t packing, looking for someone to stalk, or is generally unhinged. Do not forget to walk away after you smile. It’s your option to act on the advice or not but even an idiot is right, once in a while, so…
  11.  If you’re asked if you “know” Jesus, reply honestly. Someone really important might be listening. An honest “no” will probably help more than a snarky, dismissive “yes” in the long run.
  12.  Don’t cheat on your State and Federal taxes just because everyone else does, do it for the money.
  13. A bird in the hand is only worth more than two birds in the bush when you can’t catch the other two. Carpe Diem and try for all three.

There’s a chance this list has been posted, before. I’m too lazy to look all the way back to when we started, so enjoy it this time as much as you did last if it’s old and mentioned it if it isn’t.

It’s A Wonderful Modern, Thoughtful Life

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Life. Take a pause and just think about Life. Birth, followed by death, disease, accidents, catastrophes, pandemics, and finally possible cognitive decline which renders it all irrelevant, unremarkable, and easily forgotten by your survivors.

Take a little longer pause. It doesn’t get any better, does it. In the quick moment you answer, you want to argue, you’ll say it does but when you pause and think…

This is not an argument for suicide. Or depression. Or giving up. It’s an argument for knowing.

One of the sharpest “pangs” of senior resentment is the “undebatable knowing” things could have been different, could have been better. I could have been a doctor, for example, and saved lives. If you take another pause and think about how much better your own life could have been well…don’t do it. Funny, how even if you’re told not to do it, you’ll do it anyway. Thinking our lives would have been better if they had been different appears to be a mandated process baked into our genes. Wonder if Mother Teresa ever felt this regret. Einstein. FDR. Bob Dylan. Clark Kent.

Two interesting stories in the news this past week might help us understand…something Two different people clinically “died” and then came back to life: Patient 1 after 6 minutes and Patient 2 after 21 minutes. They both had stories to tell. Patient 1 felt peace, light, and colorful beauty, including the “white light” most resuscitated patients report. But Patient 2 reported being approached by beings who “shackled” him and restrained him, resulting in them “harvesting” his soul as part of a “soul farming operation”.

Another story in the news articulated the centuries-old debate about the origins of life. When read in chronological order you can see human intelligence struggling to define the “how” of life while struggling with the why, what, when, and where surrounding the start of it all, as well.

Ai says “a prominent estimate from the Population Reference Bureau (is) 108 billion people have ever been born.” Subtract the “estimated” 8 billion people currently alive and you learn an “estimated” 100 billion people have lived and then died on this earth. How many do you remember?

So? This post has gone off the rails and needs to be euthanized as its point has slipped away. Like most of our “lives”, it began well but got sidetracked by “life”. Maybe that’s the point? Would be interesting to read comments from anyone who can make sense of this page. I personally, feel lost, but okay, as if it were meant to end this way. The post is what it is and I can deal with it. (Hint?)

As my favorite Doctor Steven Wright says: “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

But…nothing ever makes it easier, permanently, does it. Words of wisdom and thoughtful machinations* help, but only momentarily, like falling head over heels, today, for a lover you can’t stand 6 weeks later. (See Seinfeld: The Low Talker”.)

And the questions return.

Guess I’d better conclude with another pertinent Wrightism and see how long it lasts: “A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”

Amen?

*google the definition for full effect. It reveals intent.

In Three Sentences…or Less

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It’s a sleepless night caused by our new Trumpistic (sic) societal norms. And surgical recovery. And wonderful, open-windows weather in upstate NY.

Our leader’s insecurity is on full display with the new Wall Street Journal lawsuit. Sticks and stones will break his bones but words…will hurt his ego. Sue the bastiges.**

ICE and DHS (google them) are over their annual budget already. Wondering about waste, fraud, and abuse? Me, too, DOGE..

Closing the border and deportation are two different things. Success at the border, then disaster using “worst of the worst, only” deportation. What?

It’s funny DHS and ICE agents want to protect their identities. As they surround and detain illegal immigrants, who is the “worst of the worst”, then? Maybe ICE should call ahead and tell their targets to mask-up as well, just to be fair.

Incongruity and hypocrisy are highlighted when illegal immigrants are rounded up from American businesses that then have to close because the businesses can’t find workers. Raise your hand if you think this is the first time America has taken advantage of “foreign labor” to make a profit. In a few years, if not already, you may not be able to learn about slavery, sweatshops, and rich men taking advantage of entire classes of foreign people as we Make America Great Again.

The Texas Hill Country Tragedy does not need to be politicized, it came with the rain. Years of denials about warning systems by elected officials are public record as they say “on record” they don’t want to “hear sirens in the middle of the night” or take “Biden Money”. Texas is a blueprint for our future if we allow it.

You hear a lot about common sense from politicians. So, if DOGE fires/lays off workers from national weather services and disaster warning agencies, what is it called if disaster strikes the very areas that need those services and agencies more than ever? I can think of a word.

A politician in North Carolina ran on a platform of de-regulation and was elected. When a family member got seriously hurt during an “unregulated” recreational activity, that same politician filed a bill to regulate it. Now that’s common sense, except for the timing.

A lot is made of Trump, chaos theory, and his ability to play “four-dimensional chess”. It’s time to realize he is in over his head and bouncing from crisis to crisis, winging it. Since he can’t be re-elected, it’s hard to understand since he doesn’t have to make anyone happy, anymore, but himself.

Common sense and Epstein. Before you make any assumptions, read all the records publicly available, including the 2008 “special” deal made by a Geroge Bush appointed Republican Attorney for the Southern District of Florida, who was then appointed Secretary of Labor in Trump’s first term. Maybe MAGA is finally right about something.

When you’re in recovery from surgery, with a drug protocol full of painkillers and anti-somethings, it’s best not to think too much with the free time you spend sitting around “recovering”. This is the third post written during recovery and my sense of humor has “left the building”.

Whether that’s Trump’s fault or mine, I hope it comes back. Humor is all we have left. Enjoy it when you find it.

** See a Michael Keaton movie from 1984 for translation. And humor.

Men, Money, and…Corruption?

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Spring is near and it is bringing with it a sense of humor. Thank God.

I stumbled across this quote from a 96 year-old man who sounds liberal, but truth often sounds liberal: “The world is a mysterious and confusing place. If you are not willing to be confused, you become a mere replica of someone else’s mind.” -Noah Chomsky.

How funny is that?

You may have read here, ad nauseum, Americans have gotten so smart about everything. Sadly, the less education you have the more you know as experts are overly educated and dangerous. Come on, we have a billionaire, reality TV star as President now. If that’s not funny…

Now, after the above quote and my newly recovered sense of humor, it makes sense why people being smart bothers me: they’re missing out on life and ruining it for the rest of us who are confused.

An earlier Steven Wright line (Dr. Steven Wirght, BTW) ties it together precisely: “A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.”

Americans are really, really tired of thinking.

Here’s an exercise for us all. Find someone with your opposite views of the world and try to talk like them. Sean Hannity and Alina Habba have done it perfectly ironically in their latest remarks on Fox. Google it and watch them snicker about stupid “other people”. It’ll make you laugh so hard you’ll gag.

MAGAns will conclude who the Other People are. Democrats may conclude the opposite. And away we go. Conclusions.

There is merit in knowing how little you know, and you can make a living at it. Ask Christopher Lloyd who does it on purpose, and Sarah Palin. Wait, just Christopher. (All young people google Taxi.)

What does all this have to do with Men? And Money?

Our Capitalist monetary system makes it easy for greedy Men with no conscience to make tons of money off people who “reached conclusions”. Trump merchandising is an obvious example, but the Left’s examples are subtler, and just as pernicious. (A couple weeks ago, an email from The Harris “something” asking for money to pay off bills. There should be a charge for spam mail.)

And when Men make money, what do they do? They make more money. I had a good laugh this week when a news pundit said: “billionaires don’t care about making more money”. It’s funny because that is exactly what they do care about. I’d have been happy with the first million. But men are greedy. (Don’t ask, I know what you’re thinking. Blame J D Salinger and “A Perfect Day For Bananafish.” Do I have to say “google it” anymore? Aren’t you curious about how much you don’t know?)

The sad thing about greed is its ignorance of barriers. Men, again, take great delight in stepping over barriers, obliterating them, or in the modern case, re-defiling them, redefining them, I mean. One of our billionaire’s first firings were Inspector Generals in all Departments, the guys who were already investigating corruption. DOGE says they weren’t doing the job, right, I guess, so now Federal investigations into Trump are closed, as are the investigations into Musk, For good measure, Musk took out the CFPB and ended their investigations, as well.

I love the smell of Rooting Out Corruption early in a pre-spring morning. Humor. Pre-Spring hilarity. But not a single word about Corruption from DOGE. Is it just me or do you NOT hear the word, too? Waste, fraud, and abuse. By the billions. Corruption? None.

Most of the biggest scams in American History were perpetrated by men. Madoff. The Entire 2008 Financial Disaster. Tammany Hall. Enron. The Teapot Dome Scandal. Jim Jones.

Here’s another funny part: according to politicians welfare cheats are ruining our beloved country. And that damn Health Care for all idea…gotta go.

Maybe I google too much. Or I’m even dumber than I know I think I am…

Time for some conclusions.

It’s Been A Bad Year…Thanks, Mr. Wright!

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2025 has not been kind. Yet. It might be though, right? Eventually?

It began well with a great lead in from December: hip replacement surgery ended years of pain, cancer is in remission, and AMD is stopped in its tracks. Great end to 2024 and lead in to “The Next Year.”

Hip recovery went swimmingly but New York’s 2025 weather prohibited a normal “scale-up” of activities. Venturing into winter weather with a new hip was compounded by the worst winter weather in upstate NY in 60 years. Outdoor recreational mobility/recovery was DENIED, even as the maintenance gurus of the apartment complex–the salters, shovelers, skid-steer operators who, bless their hearts—did yeoman’s work scraping out a few minutes a day for safe walking. What exactly is a “yeoman”? Be right back.

Yeoman: “a man holding and cultivating a small, landed, estate” among other things listed in the Oxford Dictionary.  Lots more, too.

Shortened story: stuck inside for months with a good hip and nowhere to go. But I did find an antidote to the malaise 2025 is intent on dropping me into: The wise words of Dr. Steven Wright. (I awarded him an honorary degree.) Dr. Wright told me through the printed collection of his sayings “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

Hm.

Then Trump took office. I made a new year’s resolution not to write about him, but he does so much…how did he get elected? Maybe, per the good doc, “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”.  Think about it…

Dr. Wright: “Half the people you know are below average.” What? And an explanation: “82.47% of statistics are made up on the spot.” A concisely contemporary, pure propagation of punditry.

It’s concerning to me that our current political shenanigans don’t make me laugh, anymore. There must have been a very sad, recent shift in my attitude towards our political class. Un-humorous worry is a constant companion. Dr. Wright, help please?

““My mechanic told me, “I can’t repair you brakes so I made your horn louder.”” Note: Double quotation marks are grammatical, not ironic.

Perfect.

As a sidebar, he reminded me: “The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”

Dr. Wright also helped me understand most of our current politicians, and how they can live with themselves: “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

And for all of loyal, fanatical, know—it—all online Demoncrats and Repugnicans, “A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”

No more politics. Back to me. New advice?

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up”, he offers.

Okay. I’m better. You?

Remember this, too, “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

And if any of this did not make your day better, here’s consolation in Dr. Wright’s words: “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.”

Full disclosure: Steven Wright is not really a doctor, but he should play one on TV.

Next posting we will attempt to answer the age-old Wright question: “What is the speed of dark?”

Contributions and comments welcomed.

Lets Have Some Pun!

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The New Year Resolutions haven’t been going so well. Let’s talk about them later, okay? The first week of the New Year has not been kind to mental happiness as upstate NY suffered though a “lake effect” storm where someone (Mother Nature? God? The Buffalo Bills?) dropped snow on us every day, and blew it around like drunken confetti. We are still under a State Of Emergency prohibiting “unnecessary travel”. I watched the entire debacle from The Chair positioned in front of my huge apartment windows and enjoyed every second of the first few days. Now, in Day 6, it is time for necessary travel. Anywhere.

One last thing, people sure are interesting (30 percent?). One guy brushed snow off his car (it’s a northern thing) in his shorts. It was 6 degrees out and he didn’t last long. Another decided “no necessary travel” was not “no travel” and rocked his car back and forth in a parking lot drift until giving up and not coming back for two days. People did all sorts of strange things and the snow removing machines worked round the clock. Mother Nature just sent more.

So for Christmas I got a book and, yes, I read a lot when the parking action was slow. A lot. The book is titled: “Learn a Lot While You’re on the Pot”, by Jack Haynes. Without breaking a resolution, I’ll just say as we age, bowel movements seem to-how to say this–take their time. It’s a senior thing younger readers will learn eventually, but Mr. Haynes has capitalized on that “slowness” to offer a tidy book about all sorts of things. It’s 136 pages on 5 million (I exaggerate) subjects so it’s not comprehensive as much as pithy in its prose. It makes it easy to finish a topic or two before…you know.

My favorite sections is entitled : “Best Puns and Wordplay”. Let the games begin with an obvious groaner: “I once gave a performance about it Puns. It was just a play on words.”

Some puns only work when they are typed: “My friend became a vegetarian, even after I told him it was a big missed steak.” Say it out load to someone and they just stare at you. Like: “Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.” Or: “Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? All that’s left is de-brie.”

Some are better spoken: “The future, the past, and the present walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.” You may have to wait for that spark of recognition on that one, but it’s worth it. Or: “I told my wife to embrace her mistakes and she gave me a hug.”

Sadly, there are some clunkers: “What do you call fake spaghetti? Im-pasta.” Ugh. “My son says he’s friends with only 25 letters of the alphabet, He doesn’t know y.”

Related: “My daughter said that after she ate alphabet soup she had a vowel movement.”

I’ll end this torture with my two favorites: “It’s been a terrible winter for Humpty Dumpty. But at least he had a great fall.” And, maybe not so much funny as apt: “I’ve discovered that where there’s a will, there’s a relative.”

Crap. One more: “Did you here about the toilet that was stolen from the Police Department? The cops have nothing to go on.”

Hope this helped any of those who were trapped at home with themselves, or even worse, family. Just remember: “Don’t let anyone call you average. That’s just mean.”