If you don’t care about football, move on…

Sports announcers have lost the ability to talk in complete sentences, let quiet moments be quiet, avoid pycho-babble, and simply make sense. And they love copy-catting (sic). At first, turning the sound off made sense, but was a comedy goldmine was being missed?

Let’s start with phrases all football announcers seem to use. See if they make any sense and picture hearing them every freaking game, three or four times.

“He’s got two time-outs in his pocket.” Confusing remark about game-time management and a coach with imaginary things stuck in real, small places. Meaning: “The team has two timeouts left.”

“He needs to dial-up the pressure.” Nice way of saying the defense sucks and the coach has to get “more pressurey(sic)”. Get it? Think, water, if you’re having trouble.

“He lives for this moment.” And its variant: “He’s dreamed of this moment since playing in the backyard.” Announcers’ projection about why some players play well when they need to play well. Not sure of a phrase used for those who don’t play well when they need to play well. “Choke?” Be nice if some announcer tried it.

“He’s very athletic.” This phrase is used by all sports announcers and let’s us know that as we watch high-level athletes perform they are…athletic. As of this date I have never heard of any football participant being called “unathletic”. It will be noted if it happens.*

“I don’t know what he was seeing, there.” Common phrase used by announcers, fans, and players when a quarterback throws an interception. It’s on this list because it is an honest, factual response but leads to former football players turned announcers trying to explain not only what the present player saw, but what the present player should have seen and done. Called “second-guessing” by normal people.

“He’s a leader in the locker room and has a high football-IQ.” It’s never apparent what the announcer is trying to tell us. Are most players not intelligent? Or is there a “streets smart” version of intelligence in football? Often, poor performing players are praised by the remark, and are usually let go or traded soon after. Sometimes, it refers to a very good player who is hurt but contributing on the side-line with general cheer-leader support, or actual “let’s look at the replay” technical support for his replacement. Most time the remark is generated—in my opinion—by a random comment made by a friend of the “leader”, or a self-serving sideline reporter question: “You’re a leader on this team what do you think of how bad your team is playing?” for example. It is often asked of any player who will take the time to answer.

“The coaches haven’t had time to get him up to speed.” Usually this is said about a top draft pick or trade who is under-performing. The statement refutes the importance of practice and coaching which leads to the question “What IS going on at practice?” It is especially pertinent in the professional ranks where it is their JOB.

We’re running out of room and haven’t addressed the worst announcer’s offence: Nonstop talking. It begins with announcing teams being two-man teams. ** One guy is supposed to “speak the game” presumably—and rightfully—so vision impaired fans know what is happening. The second guy is the “color guy” who provides insights and knowledge we might not know. It’s tough to manage talk time to begin with, but most “color” guys are ex-players or coaches intent on reshaping their legacy. They need to let us poor, non-playing souls know how smart they are. One of the “comic gold” times mentioned earlier is when altruistic time management gives way to two Alpha males and leads to nail-biting drama as both get as many words in the 40 seconds as they can before the ball is snapped for the next play. The time a quarterback approaches the line of scrimmage, evaluates the defense, and calls the correct play is a “Sacred Time” to all knowledgeable fans. *** Too often all we hear is bloviating announcers.

Last remark, promise ****. In a recent game a penalty was called on the team with the ball. The referee stated–to the entire stadium and television audience—”the ball will be placed half the distance from the start.” There was no further explication so don’t miss the complex humor.

*Imagine “choke” and “unathletic” being used at the same time. Makes sense.

**No woman, yet, in the NFL booths.

***In the “huddle” two plays are called. At The Sacred Time, The QB picks one.

****Never heard it before, and probably never will.