Coming to this space sometime soon…maybe. The Righteous Crusade to replace two 1-inch slat, cordless, vinyl mini-blinds, 27-inches wide by 64-inches long, is frustrated…but still on-going. Imagine, if you will*, a feat so simple, so mundane, it defies the Herculean efforts of the bravest and smartest of men.

The Blind Fiasco has lead me to essay** about all the weird things crossing my path and ending up in The Things Unwanted File. Modern detritus, if you will, or mental flotsam. If I can get myself to stop Ai-ing everything, take a gander at the following modern nuggets.

I recently spent two weeks in North Carolina. Weeks before I left I contacted old friends and let everyone know. Jim, one friend, acknowledged my trip. But in NC he was always busy, and his last text said: “I was busy. Come back after tax time.” NC is 12 hours and 700 miles away. I am upset he didn’t say personal tax time or corporate tax time.

So many people have mentioned they are okay with things “at this point in time going forward.” Since I’ve retired my shield as a Grammar Policeman, I whole-heatedly and full throatedly(sic)*** agree…at this point. In case you’re glossing over this issue, try to imagine a point in time. Not now, but after you’re done reading.

A recurring ad for a simple exercise machine repeatedly touts the machine’s exercise-related benefits but can’t the resist the “sales tag” line: “It’s so easy it does all the work for you.”

If you’re lonely and in a multi-level building, elevators are a great way to meet people. It’s amazing how surprised people are there is someone on an arriving elevator wanting to get off, or there is someone outside the elevator waiting to get on. An adept conversationalist could expand, the “Oops. Sorry” into something more substantial with very little effort. Of note, this morning I had my chance with an attractive woman with two arms full of groceries, but I deferred to the possibility she’d purchased frozen foods and let the chance slip through my metaphorical fingers as the doors closed. But next time…also, if you are that woman and you are reading this…knock on Apt 208’s door, please? I did push her buttons. On the elevator.

Lots of people are “planning on utilizing” things. In innocent conversation an inquiry is often made for clarification but a satisfactory response has not yet been made at this point in time, forcing the listener to utilize his or her imagination. Ask Ai about this. It’s funny. Ever hear the phrase “Utilize it or lose it?”

An oddity: Voxpop, the NPR station show mentioned last essay, did a show on plants. I have a lifelong aversion to vegetables, but after 45 minutes of fresh spinach munching by show participants, I plan on utilizing my car tomorrow to get some fresh spinach and give it a fair shake. May use my teeth to try kale, too. Such is the power of good entertainment. And good grammar.

Another strange occurrence: as an often anarchistic conversationalist, I have for years responded to this question “Can I ask you a question?” with this answer: “Seven.” Explaining why would take too much time, but after 60 years of puzzled looks, the bit is now retired. In fairness, at least one time in the 60 years of answering “Seven”, it should have been the answer to their next question. At least one time. Imagine the look on the questioner’s face. Dreams die hard.

*Google it. Better yet, Ai the phrase. You’re welcome.

**From the French “essayer”, which means “to try”.  “An essay was originally considered a trial or an attempt at expressing an idea, rather than a final, definitive word on a subject.” Perfect use above, then.

***Where did “sic” come from? If you’ve got ten minutes of free time, Ai it.