Why Now?

Mysticism: a belief or experience involving a direct connection with the divine or ultimate reality, and can also refer to an altered state of consciousness.

No one really understands the brain. We’re close, but not close enough to mapping the 86 billion neurons making up an average brain. Add to the complexity, each neuron can have hundreds of thousands of synapses, or connections to other neurons. 86 billion times 100,000 equals…

So when someone says they have a mystical experience, what does it mean? Is it in fact a connection with the “ultimate reality” (safe way to include all deities), or is it a misfire, a malfunction of something in the synapses and neurons?

As a young man, I experienced episodes of “dazed happenings” lasting from 30-60 seconds. They were times when my mind went wandering and I let go, resulting in feelings of connection and “great peace” with the world. They faded with maturation but were never forgotten. I labeled them “Grace Periods.”

With the onset of The Calamities in 2023, and after months of drug treatments and radiation, the Grace Periods tried to make a comeback. Maybe. In the months following treatment, the “mind wandering” would start, but the first few times it continued down a darker path and felt like approaching death, so I fought the wandering and found my way back to “normal”. Subsequent UNC research revealed a name and possible cause: Orthostatic Imbalance from too much potassium. Limiting potassium and quick, body position changes ended the “Dark” wanderings

But as you can probably tell by my last post, the wandering has returned. And if the wandering is unchecked, the result is trees talk to me and there is beauty everywhere. God’s beauty, or the “Ultimate Reality’s” beauty. Its a funny thing (strange funny) to feel. “Things” disappear. Things like worry, anxiety, pain, the unfathomable, bottomless questions about “being”. All gone. Nothing but contentment. Not happiness, just a feeling everything will not just be okay, but it will be what it is meant to be. The wandering is still not understood. But, all is well.

As a senior citizen, my first understanding of why these things happen is the close relationship to death. Or closer, relationship of age. A few months back I wrote about a midnight revelation (See: “Whoa…really?” from May 10, 2024.) which may be related to the Grace Periods.

A rational, scientific mind could interpret what I’ve described as the misfiring of complicated bionic equipment and connections in an aging brain.

A mystical person, however, would revel in the evidence of a Grand Design from the Ultimate Reality, who has something fantastic in mind for one of His/Her/Its creations.

Maybe someday we’ll know but right now, both explanations sound right to me. Contentment is a wonderful thing, even if it’s not understood.

Whoa…really?

Night time is a tough time for old people. In the darkness and quiet times we have plenty of opportunity to think. And what do we think about? Hopefully, you’ve read enough to know. It is a running review of the past, present, and future of life, complete with an inner dialogue between two parts of the same brain: a reasonable, intelligent part, and a strange little voice that won’t shut up.

But I was surprised the other night when the little inside voice calmly said this to the rest of me :

“I am ready for death. When it happens I’ll welcome it.”

The inside voice is the mouth in your head that thinks and talks about things your brain tries to keep you from thinking about. The usual conversation for me involves food. My brain says “you’ve had enough, stop eating”, while the inside voice says “man that Klondike Bar was good, lets have another.”

There isn’t a winner in debates between the brain and the inside voice..they tend to reach an agreement, a settlement, a compromise, and life goes on. Sometimes I get the extra Klondike Bar, sometimes I don’t.

So on that fateful night, as I lay awake in the dark thinking of all life’s complexities, my inside voice blurted out the statement noted above.

I sat up in bed and bed and said loudly: “Whoa. Really?”

Yeah. That’s exactly what happened. My brain and inside voice agreed on something and I was the last to know. I was surprised but felt a relief, a peacefulness new to my life. I liked it.

In the light of morning I recalled the night’s events and noted the relief, the peacefulness still filled my body with…well, peace.

Its not easy to comprehend the billions who have died before us, or the billions who will probably die after us, but there is some comfort in knowing they exist. But as someone once said to me: “There’s the past, there’s the present, and there’s the future. Live where your feet are.”

Which reminds me I need new shoes. Slip-ons. No laces.