This isn’t really about any senior issues, but being a senior amplifies these problems everyone of us faces. Hopefully.

First, a complaint about my cohorts and their relationship to idiocy. Possible relationship. As retired seniors, we can do anything we want, anytime, anywhere, as long as it is within our physical and mental capacities. Experience taught me (firsthand and with observation) young people sleep late. Using genetically-gifted logic, I plan to do what I want, anytime I want, when said young people are still asleep, or recovering from the sudden shock of waking up. This planning allows free run of most fitness centers, grocery stores, and other retail or public places. Get in get out, go back to sleep, all before the motorcycles roar, the muffler-deprived cars cough to life, and general silliness ensues simply because there’s more humans moving about, causing chaos. So here is my latest conversation with an old friend about going to lunch. Me: “Let’s meet at 10am when they open.” Friend: “No. I’m not awake that early. Let’s do lunch time.” Me: “Ok. Applebee’s”? Friend: “No, it’s too busy there.” (Insert rimshot* here.) Note: many late-arising friends scoff at early morning activity. Yes, they actually scoff***, as if it is an insult. It’s okay, even fewer people getting in the way.

So I called the local fitness center Sunday since their website says they are “Open” on Monday, Labor Day, but “subject to holiday hours”. My call was during business hours Sunday and was not answered by a human but a “phone tree” offering an option to find out about “Holiday Hours”. After selecting the alleged option, it instructed me to call “the local branch for more information.” To their credit, the local branch called me back seconds later, apologized and listed the hours. Bless them, for they know not what they do. Actually, they did, so we can save Luke23:34 for the next Labor Day misadventure.

My favorite grocery store’s website also listed Monday Labor Day hours as “Open, Subject to Holiday Hours.” A Sunday call to their phone number informs me “There will be signs in the store about Holiday Hours”.  As an effort, that is a good thing but why say it over the phone? Do we drive there, now, to find the Holiday Hours for tomorrow? (Second rimshot.) Oops, being patient and waiting a little longer the phone tree offers “Press Option 2 to hear Holiday Hours for your store.”. Ever the optimist (sarcasm), I pressed 2 and got this: “Call your local store for Holiday Hours that will be displayed on signs in the store.” Let’s not use one rimshot here but give them an entire drum solo. As a coherent finish to this anecdote, in a visit to the store on Monday I looked for signs about “Holiday Hours”. Go ahead, guess. I won’t insult your intelligence.** For real, this time: Luke23:34.

It’s not clear how much of these last two stories was caused by Artificial Intelligence, but we can be sure “Real Intelligence” was AWOL.

*Drum: “Ba-dum-tss”, phonetically. Also called a sting. Google it for fun.

** Apologies if inferring the obvious is also insulting. It’s a holiday: Happy Labor Day!

*** A very powerful word. Look it up.