To paraphrase a famously observationalist comic: What’s the deal with death?

We all know what the deal is: it happens and nothing we can do about it. But what about the business of death? The times after the event?

I once applied for a job with a cemetery/funeral home. During training, their primary instruction was to stay near the family and up-sell. They gave me a sheet not only with the prices but comments to make to the family. The one stuck in my brain: “Doesn’t your (loved one of any status) deserve this bigger headstone?”

My most agonizing issue is the disposal of the body. Anybody reading this claustrophobic? If, so, do you cringe, mightily, at the thought of being sealed in a coffin, lowered into the ground, and covered with dirt? If you’re not claustrophobic let me explain: burial is the worst case scenario for any of us afraid of small spaces we can’t get out of. (sic, for ending with the preposition. See what death does?)

So, cremation? Sounds like the best of a bad choices game, especially if the burning pain ends. But imagine if you feel that pain for eternity? That’s a really, really bad choice.

So that is the “deal with death”. What will it be like, after you know what? Speculation is all we can do until someone comes back and posts a trip advisor or rating on yelp. Personally, I hope the energy that is our lives, the electric energy which (maybe) contains the soul, is freed from the bony, fleshy mass the soul has been trapped in, and the soul flies up to the sky, free, free, free at last. (More on where it might go, later.) Then, whoever has the money can pay whatever they want to do whatever they want to that bony, fleshy mass of a carcass. It’s no longer my concern. (Yes, I am an organ donor, so…)

But…but…if only there was a way to know… Right now, all I know for sure is no burial, and no fire. Find a better, less painful way. Just in case. Ideas, anyone?

PS Might be record use of ellipses, at least honorable mention for the the last three (now six) lines. Wonder if they will be part of the decision on where my soul goes…anyone using the ellipsis too much goes to…? And thank you for not counting parenthetical expressions.