In my last career as an Estate Planner, I worked with senior couples in the state of North Carolina. The majority of those couples had been together for decades, with one couple celebrating 70 years of marriage.

My own romantic life was turbulent, chaotic, and selfish until well into my 40s, with the reality of a single partner at one time becoming, finally, thankfully, the rule of my life from age 51 to the present 72. Selfishness was the main reason for all the turbulence/chaos, but so was a romantic ideal so unrealistic as to be dangerous: the concept of The One. The Hollywood movie “The One”. Sadly, I met about 20 of The Ones in my younger life. Oh, the humanity. And lawyer fees.

If we ignore the real world details of both my senior clients and my own life, does either lifestyle work best for our years leading to the end of life?

You can’t know how happy those old couples are really, and if they are unhappy its hard to blame a relationship since so much bad happens in our later years. There are too many variables: disease, dementia, arthritis, etc.

When 2023 fell apart for me, one of the casualties was the 20 year monogamous relationship that at one time I thought with all my heart would never, ever end. Again, no details, but as the 72 year old partner sees death in the road ahead, and the 63 year old partner can’t possibly understand that vision, its hard to see how the two could live together for the rest of his life. Or hers. Or both.

I’ve seen senior couples when one dies and the other doesn’t. It is one of the saddest things, ever, the loss of a love, a best friend, a partner of 40, 50, 60 years. Take 10 seconds and imagine it.

So in 2024 I made the choice to move 650 miles to a new state, be near daughters and grandchildren, and wait patiently for that which comes for all. And when it happens, these family members can be there.

But my partner of 20 years could not see how she could make the same choice.

In my new city I am not alone, but it feels like it.